Family?

Have you ever had that feeling of meeting strangers?
The feeling of anxiousness and you are always concern about the things they say or do while you are present. That sense of awkwardness you feel, sometimes even uncomfortable being in a particular situation, but...is this what a person should feel whenever they are with their family?
Ermmm, of course not, like DUHH!
Your family grew with you, you live together, your family is what made you who you are standing in this world today, so in what context do you think you have the choice to even be uncomfortable with them. Moreover say that they are strangers?
If a person really say such things he or she must be categorised as an unfilial person, how can one say such to their flesh and blood?

I couldn't agree more, but somehow I need to deny it because I am in the category that thinks otherwise.....Why?
Well, in a person's life, we are not born with one family but two, we call them the mother's side and the father's side. Even if both families stay near to each other, there will be culture differences, there will also be a family where you meet more frequently, the family where you were being brought up with their culture and living attitudes, no doubt.
So, whenever you meet with the other family, at some point you will feel a slight distance as they are not the family you are used to be with, at least they are not the family who experienced all your worst times nor best times. Just a family you visit whenever there are any celebrations or festivals.
In some families, both families can be so close that everyone can mix and mingle so well, that is the best condition two families could be seen as, A Big Family.
But how many families can really be as such?

I do observe my cousin's family. *the cousin from my mother's side*
In my eyes, they are the One-Big-Family type, which is really good!
But, in everybody's heart, there must be something that we can't see, which is their feelings.
By chance, I got really close with my cousin, and sometimes when we have your lunch date or 'yumcha' session, we talk about our feelings. She said actually she have not visit her father's side for quite some time. I am a little surprise, cause they are that good big family to me, but in her heart, she would rather choose her boyfriend than to visit her father's family. I asked why, she said actually she had no choice, because both of them are now working and the only time she can meet with her boyfriend was on Saturdays. And her Sundays are given to her parents, its their family day.
I then understand, in everyone's heart, everything is given a level, some are meant to be higher than others. Some are meant to be left-a-side first if something more important is to be happening on the same day, and unfortunately, her father's side family day is to be on Saturday.......Well.....she is bad right? But if you want to take up something, you need to let go of some other things first, and this is what she did.
Sorry to say, but I will have to agree with her.

I myself is being placed in the same situation. Well, no, I don't have a boyfriend LOL
My situation is  one of my cousin * my father's side* always asks me the same question: Why do you not call back to ask about your grandmother and this family's situation? I stunned and answered, cause I am busy. He knew I was in my sem break, so he was thinking that I was just trying to fool him. But I am indeed busy, I am working, so yes I am busy.
Plus, making phone calls on a weekly basis is not something I practice, and at some extend, maybe I was just mad, because when I move to Taiping to live with my father's family, I was not given much chance to visit my mother's family which is in KL and my grandma is a breast cancer patient.
So, that most important few years of her life, I was in Taiping, and I guess the not-calling-others culture was bread since I went to Taiping since Form 1 as well. Why? Cause my mother's side are the ones that will call me as they knew then I was young and I am of course not able to pay for the phone bills.
Here is something ironic, I was scolded by one of my aunts in Taiping for making phone calls because I talk for too long. Well, since then I don't make calls, but it is okay, because I knew my family will call me. And the funny part is they now wants me to call back more frequently.
Since young I am not breed with this culture, and I am really forgetful, so sometimes I am really too busy to really remember about making a phone call.
My dad then say: Do you want your child to not make phone calls to you when you are old? Well, of course not. So why are you doing this to your family? It is not something you do whenever you remember, but something you NEED to do because it's your responsibility.
In fact, I do understand, but sometimes I was thinking, if we have a stronger bond, stuff like this shouldn't even be an ask-to-do task, but a oh-I-miss-them phone call. But not being close is nobody's fault, not being brought up in that family is also no one's fault. Cause I do appreciate my father's family, especially my grandmother, she is really a cute, awesome and hardworking woman. I am very comfortable when I am with her, but at some point, it is different. I myself can't fully explain why, its just a feeling I have, the feeling of not being super duper close I guess? I don't know......
And now, because I am not doing what my father's side think I should I am wrong, they think its wrong because this is the family they have strong connections with, so not doing so is of course unfilial. I agree that I am wrong actually, but not unfilial.

I don't recall not making phone calls as an unfilial act actually, is it an unfilial act? I do wonder.
Actually rather than saying I am unfilial, I would say I am just practising a different culture comparing to them.
I told my brother about my thoughts, he agrees but tells me something and asks me to think about it, he said: You feel that you are not wrong or unfilial, because in your heart, you are not that kind of person right? But it is in your heart, how would the others know that you aren't that kind of person. And if you want others to stop thinking that you are unfilial or bad, act it out rather than keeping it in your heart where no one is able to see it.
You guessed it, I am really in a dilemma now. I know I am not wrong, but am I? Should I really change? He then continued: I know you want to be yourself, but is there any good from there? Sometimes why not just go with the flow, not asking you to change, but just do something that is good to both parties. If making phone calls is really something you can't seem to remember, do something else in exchange. Like me, I don't call too, but when I have break, I go back, so why didn't you go back last holiday? Me: Cause I am working, when I am not I do visit okay! Just because I did not went back during my ONE past break I am bad? My brother: Nope, but you should call them right? Me: I know I should not say this but....I forgotten. I started my work before my exam even ended, so I need to concern about both my exam and my work. A lot might think I am making excuses, but I really forgotten. Not on purpose but forgotten, for real!

Family; Home.
To me, a place where I can be comfortable and be myself, and if I need to follow their expectation and get bad feedbacks on not meeting them, how am I able to be comfortable?
I respect them, the only thing I hope to get back is being respected too. Or at least to be able to feel comfortable. And if I could not get that, how am I suppose to call that place home? How am I able to LOVE going back there?
Any advice? But I guess the advice would just be asking me to chance huh? Or even telling me to not be such an unfilial person.....well, maybe I really am, although I don't believe so.

Love towards a family comes from the heart. Too much flowery acts sometimes just makes you a fake person, I have my beliefs.
I will go with my beliefs for now, but I don't hate change.
So yeah, am going back this weekend. Well, actually I go back a lot compared to the years when I am still in Taiping, I don't come back to KL that often........only during long school holidays, even one week holidays I am not able to come back, because my dad said its troublesome....?!
Well, not trying to seek for fairness, cause I know there's no such thing? So why compare?
Just excuses to hold my ground I guess......>< LOL


Written On

31 July 2015

Are you Happy?

Are you Happy?

Everything has three sides.

First, the good side, so the next side...well, you guessed it, the bad side. How about the third side? I say the unknown.

But isn't there only two sides, being happy and being sad, you can also call it the black and white, its really that simple. Or not...?

I guess no, there is always this grey area in everything, no matter you are happy or sad, there is still the centre point where you just can't make sense of what you feel and certainly unable to translate those 'I think I feel happy/sad' into our 'feelings', because you simply don't understand what sort of feelings are you having at that moment. So I guess calling it the unknown is quite suitable huh!

Actually what I am trying to say is about the Ferris Wheel and Tears.

Many people say the Ferris Wheel meant happiness, love, dreams and many more positive things, but is it so?

To me, the Ferris Wheel meant more than that, other than all those happy things, we seems to forget that the Ferris Wheel has ups and downs. Yes, downs.

When the Ferris Wheel gets up high in the air, it meant happiness, but when it comes down, it just simply meant otherwise. The Ferris Wheel is the reflection to life, just like our life, we have ups and downs, and when there is ups, we feel happy, when it reaches the ground, it meant sadness, but how about when the Ferris Wheel is in the middle? That is when you can neither see the view from up top or the clear view of the ground, and most people are in this centre part where they don't know what to feel anymore? Because they are numb towards living or towards sadness that they learn to bare with it rather than express it, and the unknown part widens. And at some point, you might even lost yourself.

The Ferris Wheel, when you look up, you feel small because of its size, and of course you feel amazed by it, cause it really gives out the happy vibe, the vibe that comforts you, but try observing it going round and round and round. Can you see your life reflecting in the Ferris Wheel? Can you see yourself smiling while the Ferris Wheel reflects yourself?
If you can't, then.....Are you Happy?

Tears, well, its tears so it must be categorised at the sad part...right?

Because while the surface of tears meant sadness, hardships or anything that stands for negativity. These are the time we can totally relate with tears, cause its something that only produces if you are sad.

This I can't argue, because when you are sad, you cry. Its' how people function, no doubt there.

But does tears meant the sad part, the black part? Does it have no centre point? The 'unknown'?

Tears can also be found when your are happy right? When you are touched, when you laugh so much that your tears come out and many other situations that cause you to cry from happiness.

This is already so common that I am not going to touch this part, because like the Ferris Wheel, it has different interpretations and meanings.

To me, personally I am super emotional that I get sad in a split second. Well, girls and their emotions LOL

I guess there is no unknown part here? Well, in fact there is.

Tears to me is a symbol of de-stress and is also the pathway to reduce sadness.

Yeah, I cry a lot. As what I have mentioned, you cry when you are sad, similarly you cry when you have stress, so here, it meant the 'black' part I guess.

So where is the unknown? Actually in the process of crying, your analogue button opens. It's most probably the time where you talk to yourself the most. It's the part where you are given a chance to rediscover yourself.

Throughout the process, you feel as you are nothing, so useless that you aren't worth anything. And this is when the unknown part comes in.

You will find yourself and somehow get yourself back on track, you will know what is needed to be done, you will know what words are to be said and what words are to be best if stayed secret. You find yourself.

Everytime when you are sad, you loose a piece of yourself. So it kinda make sense, cause loosing yourself is painful and sad.

So, after finding yourself, you are whole again.

It is when I can say I am Happy, not because of looking at something that meant happiness, but to seek happiness from sadness and regain yourself. The adventure you will go on sometimes to make sure that our 'me' and 'I' get back as one again.

That is what true happiness means to me, not because of someone telling me to be happy or not being of any influences by the outside world, but only you and yourself talking, trying to find the balance of yourself.
Cause the society is too fake and everyone is masked up, armed up just for the sake of being what people expected and not what you wanted yourself to be.

Loosing yourself is really scary, so if your are able to find yourself again and make yourself whole, I would want to ask you the same question again from the beginning.....

Are You Happy?

Written On

26 July 2015

APA Referencing

Byford, J. (n.d.). Ferris wheel [ big wheel ] at bottons in Skegness. Image Retrieved from Skegness In Picture: http://www.skegness.org.uk/pages/album/big-wheel.html

Hunter, C. K. (2011, August 24). Travel Tears: In-Flight Entertainment Abounds. Image Retrieved from Smart Meetings: http://www.smartmeetings.com/news/travel/62585/travel-tears

Are We So Easily Influenced?

A Cinderella Story, one of my favourite movies.
Although this is a old movie, and even if I have watched it for more than a thousand times, I cried everytime because it is just too close to reality. Movies are usually non-fiction but this is just so me I guess.
I use freak out whenever I am given the chance to do the things I liked, because I care about other people's opinion and if I get any feedback saying 'No' 'Its Bad', I don't do it no matter how much I wanted to.
But since I watched this movie, this quote keeps running around my mind and it acts as my alarm whenever I freak out at anything.
Well, okay. I won't say I am not freaking out anymore, and unfortunately I still freaked out a lot, I think too much about the right and wrong and ended up not doing it cause I am too negative. But if I am able to think about this quote, it really boosts up my confidence level, and whenever I think about this quote, I think about the movie as well.
Yes, other than this quote, the whole movie contains a lot of inspirational words and actions that an individual should have.

First is to be true yourself no matter what circumstances.
Work hard and live up to your life.
Family is not only those that are blood-related to you but those that stand by your side whenever you need them.
Never give up even when it seems like you are loosing.
Last but not least, to be positive, because sometimes fairy-tales do happen; especially when you are not aware of it.

People nowadays, especially young teens, they have confidence and everything an individual needs to survive, but not a sense of grateful was to be seen. I really do wonder why this happened, is this what society has taught them? Has our society change this drastic to have such different perspectives towards good behaviour and attitudes?
Once I remember a post on FaceBook, a 12 year old girl commited suicide because her grades flop, she died. A few days later, another girl commited suicide again because of her grades as well, this time, she got lucky cause she only had a fracture in her arm. And when these teens are not commenting suicide, they are doing sex tapes or taking nude pictures of themselves.
Arghhh, what has happened?

Is it the lack of education? Nope. Is it the lack of interest given by their parents? Well, I guess this is kinda like the main reason huh? Or the influence of Western or Korean cultures? Actually I find this reason vague and pointless.
Cause aren't your every thought suppose to be generated by you yourself? These teens have the brains to tell their parent to not mind their business cause they TOTALLY know what they are doing and not filter what is good or bad about the information they are exposed to? Isn't it funny?
Unfortunately, the teens nowadays are way too confident therefore they think what they know or believe is the only Right rule that should be followed......Hmmmm, I do wonder about the education system now. Cause I don't recall having the slightest contact with any sort of education as such though LOL

Like I said, a lot think its because of the bad influences from the Western and Korean culture, but to me I don't think its a problem with exposure to these cultures and sometimes, its even a good thing being exposed to another culture.
First, it is you yourself that decides what to believe or what to follow, if you decide to follow the bad stuff, then it is therefore your choice. But if one is being brought up with a healthy mindset, how can they be so easily influenced by these bad influences?
So, how is the unhealthy mindset built? Don't say environments, cause its again absurd as a whole lot of people who grew in a poor family or with abusive parents turned out fine but not those who were brought up in a good environment? So this point is not a fact but a thought.
Second, bad parenting or influence by peers or friends.
Okay, come on. It is not right for parents to be consistently working until their child feels neglected, but I myself grew up from a divorced family, both my parents are busy working, I barely have time to talk to my mother then and everytime I talk to my father, our conversations leads to a fight, and I can say, it ends up really bad.
So I don't agree that growing up with parents' attention are the main reasons that caused this, as relationships can be easily changed by communicating and that is how me and my parents are now.
As for peers or friends, I believe they make a bigger impact to the thoughts of teens now, cause it seems that teens now tend to believe what their friends say and will act as such too because they want to blend in to the groups. But again, these aren't small kids that are not able to analyse, their brain cells are fully developed and is capable of doing the job we known as 'thinking'.

So where is the problem now?
Environment? Education? Family? Friends? Background? Ethnics? Cultures? Or THEMSELVES?
I do wonder.......LOL

Just like the quote, "Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game".
Yes, no one should be afraid of not being able to fit in or not able to reach your goals, we are humans, we are able to make mistakes and admit we are sometimes wrong or slightly off track. But remember, never be scared of reality or loosing because its the process that really matters.
Have fun and be yourself.
Then, it will be impossible for you to be easily influenced by things that are wrong or bad. Stay strong to your own beliefs and have faith in yourself.
I am not a Christian, but hold on, cause God knows what he is doing.


Written On

19 July 2015


APA Referencing

Rosman, M. (Director). (2004). A Cinderella Story [Motion Picture]. 

Emptiness.......

What is emptiness?
Well, some say love, some say family, but to me, I say friends.

Yeah, a lot can't understand why, but friends are a very important aspect in my life.
Because friends are the ones that reflects who you are, cause the same characteristics attract the same people, so of there are no friends, who is there to portray who you are anymore?

This is quote, and it totally explains what an empty friendship feels like.......
Recently, I have this particular feeling towards my ex-college mates, we use to be so close that we are able to share everything and I mean EVERYTHING.
Well, now, its totally different.
Just because of the time we have not been able to meet up and share our thoughts made us so far apart that you can now feel the gap in between.

Although this is the process of life but it is so unfair for a human being to feel so many departures in one lifetime.
First there is the departure with our family members, no matter moving out from our home or loved ones passing away. Second, the departure of the ones we thought made us complete, our lovers. Love made two strangers so close but still could not have a happy ending therefore parting has been the only ending to some unfortunate relationships. Then there are departure from friends, the ones we believe have connections the most, from the heart or soul.
Friends are the people that not only give you inspiration, but entertainment, love, care, support and any form of happiness or support you could ever imagine of. So, having such emptiness now really makes my emotions down and somehow its been hard to had a real smile even.
Well, you can say I am too sentimental, and I don't deny it at all. Cause of being sentimental, I have friends that really had that soulmate-relationship, I am so lucky to have find those people but now, I feel unfortunate as well because mentally to me, I feel like I have lost them.
My mental support team has gone and what left feels like an empty human-shell walking as if I have no emotions or to say have forgotten what do emotions felt like. Have lost the ability to feel I guess.... :(

When does this feelings feel most real?
Well, a lot might say: It's when you see them sharing photos of new friends, new places, new clothes you have never seen, new people, new everything but without you there.
Yes, this is really sad, but to me, the time you feel the particular feeling is when you see them sharing the same photos that we use to make fun about, but this time tagging same bunch of people but sharing jokes that you don't understand. Visiting the place you use to go together but this time you are not there with them, wearing the clothes you use to call our looks but this time its with other people, spending time with the people you all call friends but you aren't one of them.
This to me is the most heartbreaking. And now with all the technology, its impossible to avoid seeing those moments of them without you there.
Well, of course. One can say: Ahhhhhhh they are still the same you are just over thinking. I agree, but the truth strikes when the awkward feeling starts to show whenever you see their post on FaceBook or Instagram, it is then you know the invisible wall is starting to build and it is getting more and more solid as the day goes by.

Sometimes you still try to reach out, because its the only chance you have....you tried to comment on their posts, you try to Whatsapp them...but when you get no replies, the only feeling felt are emptiness.
A lot say it is time when you learn to move on, but why do we need to ever feel anything like this? Isn't it unfair? Why should life be so much sadness?

Okay. The life-talk comes in now......

The only thing that makes life interesting is when there are combinations of feeling and experience, yes I know. I always did, but its still hard for me to digest this.....
Only time can make it fade....I guess?


Written On

12 July 2015


APA Referencing:

lovely.poem. (2015, June). Image Retrieved from Instagram:
https://instagram.com/p/3OtlfDhy87/