Family?

Have you ever had that feeling of meeting strangers?
The feeling of anxiousness and you are always concern about the things they say or do while you are present. That sense of awkwardness you feel, sometimes even uncomfortable being in a particular situation, but...is this what a person should feel whenever they are with their family?
Ermmm, of course not, like DUHH!
Your family grew with you, you live together, your family is what made you who you are standing in this world today, so in what context do you think you have the choice to even be uncomfortable with them. Moreover say that they are strangers?
If a person really say such things he or she must be categorised as an unfilial person, how can one say such to their flesh and blood?

I couldn't agree more, but somehow I need to deny it because I am in the category that thinks otherwise.....Why?
Well, in a person's life, we are not born with one family but two, we call them the mother's side and the father's side. Even if both families stay near to each other, there will be culture differences, there will also be a family where you meet more frequently, the family where you were being brought up with their culture and living attitudes, no doubt.
So, whenever you meet with the other family, at some point you will feel a slight distance as they are not the family you are used to be with, at least they are not the family who experienced all your worst times nor best times. Just a family you visit whenever there are any celebrations or festivals.
In some families, both families can be so close that everyone can mix and mingle so well, that is the best condition two families could be seen as, A Big Family.
But how many families can really be as such?

I do observe my cousin's family. *the cousin from my mother's side*
In my eyes, they are the One-Big-Family type, which is really good!
But, in everybody's heart, there must be something that we can't see, which is their feelings.
By chance, I got really close with my cousin, and sometimes when we have your lunch date or 'yumcha' session, we talk about our feelings. She said actually she have not visit her father's side for quite some time. I am a little surprise, cause they are that good big family to me, but in her heart, she would rather choose her boyfriend than to visit her father's family. I asked why, she said actually she had no choice, because both of them are now working and the only time she can meet with her boyfriend was on Saturdays. And her Sundays are given to her parents, its their family day.
I then understand, in everyone's heart, everything is given a level, some are meant to be higher than others. Some are meant to be left-a-side first if something more important is to be happening on the same day, and unfortunately, her father's side family day is to be on Saturday.......Well.....she is bad right? But if you want to take up something, you need to let go of some other things first, and this is what she did.
Sorry to say, but I will have to agree with her.

I myself is being placed in the same situation. Well, no, I don't have a boyfriend LOL
My situation is  one of my cousin * my father's side* always asks me the same question: Why do you not call back to ask about your grandmother and this family's situation? I stunned and answered, cause I am busy. He knew I was in my sem break, so he was thinking that I was just trying to fool him. But I am indeed busy, I am working, so yes I am busy.
Plus, making phone calls on a weekly basis is not something I practice, and at some extend, maybe I was just mad, because when I move to Taiping to live with my father's family, I was not given much chance to visit my mother's family which is in KL and my grandma is a breast cancer patient.
So, that most important few years of her life, I was in Taiping, and I guess the not-calling-others culture was bread since I went to Taiping since Form 1 as well. Why? Cause my mother's side are the ones that will call me as they knew then I was young and I am of course not able to pay for the phone bills.
Here is something ironic, I was scolded by one of my aunts in Taiping for making phone calls because I talk for too long. Well, since then I don't make calls, but it is okay, because I knew my family will call me. And the funny part is they now wants me to call back more frequently.
Since young I am not breed with this culture, and I am really forgetful, so sometimes I am really too busy to really remember about making a phone call.
My dad then say: Do you want your child to not make phone calls to you when you are old? Well, of course not. So why are you doing this to your family? It is not something you do whenever you remember, but something you NEED to do because it's your responsibility.
In fact, I do understand, but sometimes I was thinking, if we have a stronger bond, stuff like this shouldn't even be an ask-to-do task, but a oh-I-miss-them phone call. But not being close is nobody's fault, not being brought up in that family is also no one's fault. Cause I do appreciate my father's family, especially my grandmother, she is really a cute, awesome and hardworking woman. I am very comfortable when I am with her, but at some point, it is different. I myself can't fully explain why, its just a feeling I have, the feeling of not being super duper close I guess? I don't know......
And now, because I am not doing what my father's side think I should I am wrong, they think its wrong because this is the family they have strong connections with, so not doing so is of course unfilial. I agree that I am wrong actually, but not unfilial.

I don't recall not making phone calls as an unfilial act actually, is it an unfilial act? I do wonder.
Actually rather than saying I am unfilial, I would say I am just practising a different culture comparing to them.
I told my brother about my thoughts, he agrees but tells me something and asks me to think about it, he said: You feel that you are not wrong or unfilial, because in your heart, you are not that kind of person right? But it is in your heart, how would the others know that you aren't that kind of person. And if you want others to stop thinking that you are unfilial or bad, act it out rather than keeping it in your heart where no one is able to see it.
You guessed it, I am really in a dilemma now. I know I am not wrong, but am I? Should I really change? He then continued: I know you want to be yourself, but is there any good from there? Sometimes why not just go with the flow, not asking you to change, but just do something that is good to both parties. If making phone calls is really something you can't seem to remember, do something else in exchange. Like me, I don't call too, but when I have break, I go back, so why didn't you go back last holiday? Me: Cause I am working, when I am not I do visit okay! Just because I did not went back during my ONE past break I am bad? My brother: Nope, but you should call them right? Me: I know I should not say this but....I forgotten. I started my work before my exam even ended, so I need to concern about both my exam and my work. A lot might think I am making excuses, but I really forgotten. Not on purpose but forgotten, for real!

Family; Home.
To me, a place where I can be comfortable and be myself, and if I need to follow their expectation and get bad feedbacks on not meeting them, how am I able to be comfortable?
I respect them, the only thing I hope to get back is being respected too. Or at least to be able to feel comfortable. And if I could not get that, how am I suppose to call that place home? How am I able to LOVE going back there?
Any advice? But I guess the advice would just be asking me to chance huh? Or even telling me to not be such an unfilial person.....well, maybe I really am, although I don't believe so.

Love towards a family comes from the heart. Too much flowery acts sometimes just makes you a fake person, I have my beliefs.
I will go with my beliefs for now, but I don't hate change.
So yeah, am going back this weekend. Well, actually I go back a lot compared to the years when I am still in Taiping, I don't come back to KL that often........only during long school holidays, even one week holidays I am not able to come back, because my dad said its troublesome....?!
Well, not trying to seek for fairness, cause I know there's no such thing? So why compare?
Just excuses to hold my ground I guess......>< LOL


Written On

31 July 2015